16 May 2011


Hello, friends! It's been a while, eh. Ha, who am I kidding -- it's always 'a while' nowadays! I have been so busy these last few weeks and finally have something substantial to write about. So, last time I posted, I was unsure of so many things -- where I'd be living, if I was staying here or moving to PA or to SC, what I was going to do. Talk about stress!! Well, I am happy to say that for now, I am staying in Maryland. In fact, my honey and I have recently moved in together and it has been so wonderful! 

Also, I've just returned from Maryland after 12 days of 'vacation'. Well, technically, only 5 of those days were vacation. I flew to Florida to go to Disney World with my mom, sister, her girlfriend and my super adorable 4 year old niece!! It was so much fun but omg it was HOT! I'm clearly not used to that kind of weather anymore. I went over to Cocoa Beach one afternoon and dipped my toes into the ocean, which was warm like bath water and it was almost enough to make me want to live somewhere that's got almost year-round beach weather. 

After the Disney part of the vacation, I rode back to SC with the family and spent a week there. It was a nice and relaxing few days. I did a lot of browsing at the local antique malls, went to t-ball practice, had lunch and dinner with some old friends and just generally relaxed!! It was so nice to not worry about moving or where I was going to live or even dealing with Etsy for a few days. 

Now I'm back in Maryland, thankfully, and need to finish moving my stuff, unpacking my luggage and about a gazillion boxes from the move, get settled in the new place. I started to move on a Thursday and then left for vacation the following Tuesday so as you might imagine, my house is in total disarray right now and it's driving me NUTS! My office is mostly put together so that helps but I still don't have internet at the new place so I have to keep coming back to my old house to do work which is very time consuming! 

So, we're renting an apartment, which as you might remember from my posts months ago, I was rather adamant that I didn't want to live in but as time grew nearer to the departure date of my ex-h, it became increasingly obvious that I would have to move into an apartment or either move back home. When faced with those two options, apartment living didn't seem so terrible. Plus, the apartment feels pretty spacious, even with my enormous stack of boxes and other miscellaneous crap that needs to be put away. It'll definitely work for the next 12 months and it allows us to save up money and either rent a house or eventually buy our own place. It's temporary and I know I can do anything for a year, as evidenced by the absolute HELL I've gone through the last 12 months. 

Speaking of the last year, although it's been the most stressful time of my life, it's also been the best year EVER. A year ago, I was freaking out about turning 30. I thought my life was over and I was damn near having a panic attack right up until my birthday!! I don't know why I was so upset -- maybe because I was turning a new decade and I was miserable and unhappy with my life. I felt like I'd wasted away and just become so unhappy with who I was. I knew I wanted more out of life -- I used to love going out dancing and I never did that anymore, I loved going sightseeing and I never did that anymore. I had completely morphed into this person I didn't even recognize and I hated myself for it. I was always so worried about my ex whoring around on me (and with good reason) and I was always the one compromising and trying to be a people pleaser and in the end, all it did was ruin my self esteem. It's been a year since I decided that I was done with that nonsense. I made the decision last May that I needed more out of life and that I DESERVED more out of life. I deserved to have a man that was faithful, that I could trust, that I knew would be there for me when the shit really got tough. I deserved to be happy and not always be the one compromising and breaking my back to please someone when the same was never returned to me. What good is a marriage if it's always one person giving 150% while the other does whatever the hell they want with no regard to the other person or their vows?? I was miserable and I'd rather be miserable alone than with someone I couldn't trust. 

The last year has been so hard. Not because I was second guessing my decision but with the whole having to live together thing. I was called horrible names, repeatedly, because that's what he does. He wants to control me/women by verbally abusing them. I rarely let it get to me but on occasion, I did have my moments of breaking down. It was particularly bad last August, when I seriously thought I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I went to SC for a few weeks and came back with clarity and renewed sense of hope. 

Anyway, so yeah, the last year has been so wonderful, despite the hell. I've never been happier. I started to take care of ME and the rest fell into place. I've found the person that I truly feel God wanted me to be with -- someone that's kind, someone that I can trust with my whole heart, someone that appreciates me and makes me feel loved and cherished. Of course it's not always sunshine and rainbows -- we've gone through our share of hard times but that's what a relationship is about -- weathering the storms TOGETHER and coming out the other side stronger as a couple. I love this man in a way I've never loved anyone. It's amazing how your heart can heal and renew itself and be free to give again when you find someone that you can trust. I thank God every single day for bringing this wonderful man into my life at a time when I needed him most. 

My 31st birthday is this weekend and cannot wait to celebrate and I thank the Lord for another year on this planet. Last year, I was at such a dark and terrible place and looking back, the year was the best one ever. I found myself, found my life partner, found new reasons to wake up with a smile on my face and in my heart. I cannot wait to see how wonderful this next year is going to be!!